Let’s Get REAL! | Part 1 cont…

In my first LET’S GET REAL! post, I shared a photo with you…

 

This photo is at the heart of many of my issues… and let me tell you why.

I am not a small person. I am what would be considered “short” by most people, but that only makes my weight more visible. If I were six feet tall, the weight would be distributed very differently – but I am 5’4″.

 

God made me to be 5’4″ tall. I do not believe he made me to weigh over 300 pounds.

And therein lies the problem.

There are two elemental truths that I am reminded of constantly.

1. God made me – and He loves me.

2. Beauty is only skin deep.

However… there are deeper truths that must also be considered.

God made me – but I refuse to believe I was designed to weigh what I do. That makes no sense. I can hardly bend over to tie my shoes… I can’t sit on most chairs that have arms… I could go on and on and on but you get the idea. So it follows that there is some inconsistency. God loves the person UNDER the fat, yes, but – like sin – He did not intend for me to be buried under all of the excess so why would He love it?

Beauty may only be skin-deep but what kind of witness can I possibly be for GOD, looking like I do? I wear skirts all the time but the weight is what draws attention. And why would ANYONE come to Christ by my example if they think my size has anything to do with my love for GOD?

 

Yesterday I revealed some pretty difficult truths – I was unwanted…

I was both horrified and thrilled to discover some months ago that there are actually babies that survive the abortion process. Horrified because if that baby is born in any form, HOW can the doctors and nurses deny the truth! Thrilled because God clearly has a plan for those babies and His hand is mighty! Miracles truly are EVERYWHERE!

Watching/Listening to the testimonies of some of these people, you will discover that many of them struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide for much of their life. Why… because they were unwanted and because they were violently torn from their mothers. Even before clear memory, something remains of that in their subconscious.

It’s easy for people to relate to that. They cringe and they nod their heads sympathetically. They see how horrifying that would be for a child to discover.

But what if you weren’t dragged through anything so horrible…

What if you were born under normal circumstances, wanted desperately and rejoiced over by your mother but detested by your father…

Even now, at almost 36 years old, my father only calls me to complain, to fuss about things that I have no control over – because the rest of the family refuses to listen to him anymore. He only wants to visit so he can see his grandchildren. I have been a disappointment to him since the day I was born.

Why? Because he wanted boys and I was a girl – God created me to be a girl.

It took years for me to find a way to stand up for myself, and I did it in the most horrible way – I rebelled… I wore shorts. I read smutty romance novels. I detested church. I argued religion with him endlessly. I spent hours curled up in the corner of his couch, reading – and ignoring him – whenever we visited. And then… the unthinkable – I got divorced.

I honestly think that bothered him more than the wild streak that followed and he barely spoke to me for years afterwards. Nevermind that his only daughter had been deserted on the other side of the country with nothing – no money, no place to live, no friends, no family, and no way to contact my husband.

 

That was over 15 years ago and he still has not forgiven me for it. He hasn’t forgiven me for the second divorce either but I expected that. And again, it didn’t matter to him that I had no choice in it.

 

So here I sit, overweight, unwanted, trying desperately to find some way to move beyond it all. I have tried counseling. I have tried self-help books and far too many diets to name, but as far as I can tell, the only thing that’s going to get me through is prayer… lots and lots of prayer! I’m going to throw myself on God’s mercy and beg him to help me get through this… somehow!

 

I don’t really deserve a miracle but I’m hoping for one – and isn’t that what prayer is… hope?

 

GOD Bless!

~ Rachel

 

 

© Rachel L. Miller 2015

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8 thoughts on “Let’s Get REAL! | Part 1 cont…

  1. omg! rachel ! you are beautiful! inside and out.. and this is not just any random thought but a genuine “from the heart” thought.. you write beautifully even though its expressing your own views about yourself… but know one thing that everything happens for a reason! 🙂 keep hope cause that is the main thing that drives you! keep smiling! 🙂

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    1. Thank you! Your words are such a blessing!

      I do feel that God has blessed me with a wonderful writing ability and I’m so thankful for it.

      I do hold onto hope… Fiercely!

      🙂

      Blessings!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Rachel,
    Like you I suffered my whole life from my father’s rejection. He was cold and distant when he wasn’t verbally abusing me. I’m now 46 and it’s still part of my psyche. I’m not sure what your father’s issues were, but I concluded that mine might have been an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and maybe antisocial personality disorder or what is called obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I would advise you to google them. There is more to the rejection than what YOU were not (a boy). It probably stems from some fundamental damage or pathology in your father. This doesn’t help entirely to understand it because we still live with the knowledge that we can’t help the child we were and who had to go through all of it. But it might help with your self acceptance. (as far as weight issues, I could not comment on these as I am not knowledgeable of science and body weight). But we all have our physical detriments, and remember that all women lose their looks anyway (unless they become a plastic surgery showcase which doesn’t look so good, either!) I think faith is fundamental, so important. We really have nothing if we have only ourselves to believe in, dust to dust.
    xoxo ks

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    1. You are so right. I am sure there’s a lot more to his behavior than my gender but since giving it a name will neither help the child that I was nor the woman that I am, I’ve never tried to figure it out. Besides which, putting a face on it feels too much like excusing him from any wrong-doing and places the blame back on me.

      As far as the weight, I realize every person is made to be a different size and I’m aware that my self-worth will not change if I lose every single spare pound… but I would like to be able to play with my children for more than five minutes at a time.

      At this point, losing weight is more about being healthy than anything to do with looks.

      Blessings!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t excuse my father for what he did even though I think he has a personality disorder. I understand what you mean, though! Be healthy:)

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  3. Praying for you Rachel. Went through a dark period in my life. 18 years ago. I was overweight and very unhappy. Mad at myself and God I started walking. Barely made it to the end of the driveway and back. I did it again the next day walking and talking to God. A year later I was walking 3miles a day and had finally work through the hurt anger and frustration with God’s help and love. I found peace and I had lost enough weight to feel better about myself. I’m no supermodel but I’m healthier in body and spirit than I’ve been in a long time. Give the good the bad and even the ugly stuff to Him. He loves you and will patiently help you through it. And let us know when you need prayer. He hears and answers!

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    1. Thank you so very much! I think we can all use as much prayer as we can get!

      I’ve begun riding our stationary bike… just a few minutes at a time for now, but I feel confident I can work up to more someday.

      Holding onto God’s love for me!

      Bless you!

      Like

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