Let’s Get REAL! | Part 1 cont…

In my first LET’S GET REAL! post, I shared a photo with you…

 

This photo is at the heart of many of my issues… and let me tell you why.

I am not a small person. I am what would be considered “short” by most people, but that only makes my weight more visible. If I were six feet tall, the weight would be distributed very differently – but I am 5’4″.

 

God made me to be 5’4″ tall. I do not believe he made me to weigh over 300 pounds.

And therein lies the problem.

There are two elemental truths that I am reminded of constantly.

1. God made me – and He loves me.

2. Beauty is only skin deep.

However… there are deeper truths that must also be considered.

God made me – but I refuse to believe I was designed to weigh what I do. That makes no sense. I can hardly bend over to tie my shoes… I can’t sit on most chairs that have arms… I could go on and on and on but you get the idea. So it follows that there is some inconsistency. God loves the person UNDER the fat, yes, but – like sin – He did not intend for me to be buried under all of the excess so why would He love it?

Beauty may only be skin-deep but what kind of witness can I possibly be for GOD, looking like I do? I wear skirts all the time but the weight is what draws attention. And why would ANYONE come to Christ by my example if they think my size has anything to do with my love for GOD?

 

Yesterday I revealed some pretty difficult truths – I was unwanted…

I was both horrified and thrilled to discover some months ago that there are actually babies that survive the abortion process. Horrified because if that baby is born in any form, HOW can the doctors and nurses deny the truth! Thrilled because God clearly has a plan for those babies and His hand is mighty! Miracles truly are EVERYWHERE!

Watching/Listening to the testimonies of some of these people, you will discover that many of them struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide for much of their life. Why… because they were unwanted and because they were violently torn from their mothers. Even before clear memory, something remains of that in their subconscious.

It’s easy for people to relate to that. They cringe and they nod their heads sympathetically. They see how horrifying that would be for a child to discover.

But what if you weren’t dragged through anything so horrible…

What if you were born under normal circumstances, wanted desperately and rejoiced over by your mother but detested by your father…

Even now, at almost 36 years old, my father only calls me to complain, to fuss about things that I have no control over – because the rest of the family refuses to listen to him anymore. He only wants to visit so he can see his grandchildren. I have been a disappointment to him since the day I was born.

Why? Because he wanted boys and I was a girl – God created me to be a girl.

It took years for me to find a way to stand up for myself, and I did it in the most horrible way – I rebelled… I wore shorts. I read smutty romance novels. I detested church. I argued religion with him endlessly. I spent hours curled up in the corner of his couch, reading – and ignoring him – whenever we visited. And then… the unthinkable – I got divorced.

I honestly think that bothered him more than the wild streak that followed and he barely spoke to me for years afterwards. Nevermind that his only daughter had been deserted on the other side of the country with nothing – no money, no place to live, no friends, no family, and no way to contact my husband.

 

That was over 15 years ago and he still has not forgiven me for it. He hasn’t forgiven me for the second divorce either but I expected that. And again, it didn’t matter to him that I had no choice in it.

 

So here I sit, overweight, unwanted, trying desperately to find some way to move beyond it all. I have tried counseling. I have tried self-help books and far too many diets to name, but as far as I can tell, the only thing that’s going to get me through is prayer… lots and lots of prayer! I’m going to throw myself on God’s mercy and beg him to help me get through this… somehow!

 

I don’t really deserve a miracle but I’m hoping for one – and isn’t that what prayer is… hope?

 

GOD Bless!

~ Rachel

 

 

© Rachel L. Miller 2015

Let’s Get REAL! | Part 1

Last week, we attended the ATI (Advance Training Institute) Nashville Family Conference.

During each conference we have attended over the last four years… at some point, I have experienced a tremendous insight – usually accompanied by tears and a great outpouring of God’s overwhelming spirit.

This year was no different.

The only difference this year was… the issue had no immediate resolution that became apparent with the appearance of insight.

So I’m going to do something a bit different with it. I’m going to get my dear readers involved.

So here goes… LET’S GET REAL!

 

 

As you can see, I am not a small person.

 

The picture is revelation #1!

Revelation #2 is I was unwanted… pretty much from the day I was born. I’m not going to defend it or talk about it or bore you with all the crazy details… just know that my father, the man who was supposed to be my hero, never wanted me… has never wanted me.

Revelation #3 is not so much a secret revealed but it is directly tied to numbers 1 and 2 and I can only let go of so much at once so…

I have been married and divorced twice and I’ve been involved in at least five abusive relationships – not counting my father but counting at least one husband.

 

OK… that’s all the real I can handle letting go of tonight so I’ll be back when I’ve shored up some more courage.

GOD Bless!

~ Rachel

 

 

© Rachel L. Miller 2015

“Mama” was not harmed in the making of this film.

OK… THANK GOD for the ability to change your mind. My mind to be more specific.

I said a long time ago… when I first saw the ads… that I would NEVER watch “Mom’s Night Out”… NEVER!

And I want to take a moment right now to Thank God for giving me the ability to change my mind. Because I rented the movie this afternoon and we watched it this evening (when I was taking a break from editing) and let me just say… WOW!

I mean WOW!

If you are a mother, Grandmother, ever had a mother… WATCH this movie! BUY this movie! Then buy a copy for your mother, go over and give her a big hug and watch it with her – afterwards telling her what an amazing, wonderful, terrific, fantastic, BLESSING she is to you and everyone around her!

 

Let me just say that I am weird. I am, I’m not afraid to admit it.

I am not one of those moms who ever desires a “night out”.

In fact, I home-school and I work from home so I spend twenty-four hours a day with my children.

And that is how I like it!

When I hear other moms talking about how much they enjoy having time away from their children, I actually feel sorry for them. I’m not judging, I just feel sorry that they are not able to see the amazing gifts that are right in front of them.

CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING!

I was told by multiple doctors that I would never have children.

Now I have two beautiful, healthy, happy, intelligent and incredibly energetic children so clearly the doctors were wrong.

But that is mostly because God had a different plan for me, a plan he did not choose to let those doctors in on.

And I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking I feel the way I do about my children because I was told I couldn’t have them and then I did and so I am a clingy, freaky, weird, smothering mommy dearest.

NOPE!

Could NOT be further from the truth.

There were times when my son was a baby, at 3am, when I had slept a grand total of oh I don’t know… 20 minutes, after feeding, rocking, playing, bouncing and changing him… and he was STILL screaming at the top of his lungs – that I wanted to be anywhere but where I was at that moment.

And there were times when I watched my sweet little girl, my six-year-old girl, my baby, go off to ballet without a care in the world, telling me “I’m good mom, you can go.” that I wanted to cry. I should have had more time! I should have had YEARS before she was ready to let go! Right!

Wrong.

They are as different as two children can be and raising them has been an enormous adventure and I cherish every single memory! I haven’t loved every moment and I don’t know that I want to repeat some of them… ever… again, but I do cherish every memory I have with my children.

I’ve been through the drawing on the wall, the broken nose when your toddler doesn’t want you to pick him up, the screaming princess who doesn’t like that you dropped her onto the soft dirt so she wouldn’t tumble down the concrete steps with you, the screaming, the biting, the food-throwing, the spit up on every single item of clothing you own, did I mention the screaming – OK I did, good… oh yeah and the amazing magical poo that somehow misses the diaper entirely ad lands on your brand new Easter outfit!

But I would not trade any one of those moments because… along with them came the first time they each said the word “Mama”, the first hug, the first kiss, the wet and sticky kisses I get every day, the “Love You”s and the sweet little fingers that sign from across the room or through the window when I run to the store by myself to get milk. (and yes, I miss them – even when I’m only two blocks away – I’m a freak, I know)

 

So I don’t judge anyone who wants to be away from their children… I just feel for them. And then I pray that someday they will realize just how amazing those children are. And hopefully before they have grandchildren – because that’s when most people seem to get it.

When they’ve already missed the chance… when their time is up… when they are trying to tell their children to enjoy this time with their kids because they grow up so fast.

Yeah, they know!

 

But I know too and I am so blessed!

I was not going to watch “Mom’s Night Out” because I was sure it was one of those kind of movies. One of the movies that tells moms they NEED “me-time”.

SO NOT!

In fact, I’m gonna go return my redbox rental tomorrow and then I’m going to go buy this amazing movie! Because this is a movie I am going to want to watch over and over and over again!

And each time, I will cry a little, laugh hysterically and then go hug my mom and tell her how amazing she is!

And then I will hug my kids and know that I am doubly blessed!

 

Oh, and when you watch the movie – watch it to the very very end of the credits… trust me!

 

GOD bless you and Good Night!

© Rachel L Miller 2014